Lost key

The cycle. 
The vicious, grueling cycle.
It has come to claim me again. 
What do I do with it? 
How do I break it? 
Should I break it?
It comes like a thief in the night, 
It brings out my fears and doubts 
______________the old ones I’ve put to rest.
His exquisite pain helps to clear our mind,
But to find S_____a so angry.
At our center, a crushing force,
That brutal wall of angry armoured dragon. 
~~~
I am ashamed 
I am afraid 
I don’t know how not to be alone. 
Alone is solace, 
______________________ isn’t it?? 
It frightens me so much 
to be that . . . Adult? 
How do I even start? 
Starting makes me want to hide. 
I do hide — all day in my books. 
I’m so tired I couldn’t possibly function properly 
This is sabotage. 
  • Yeah, but what will you do about it?
  • Probably just pout and mope.
All you can do is sleep and hope 
You have time in the morning 
________________ but we never do.
~~~ 
Why am I so afraid of myself?? 
Can one really be afraid of oneself?? 
How do I unlock that girl I met, 
a few months back? 
That girl I was, she was fearless. 
Where did I drop that key?? 
~~~
~Tora ❤

I think it would be best if you left me alone…

I like being alone

I understand the world when I’m alone

The world makes sense when I am alone.

Nobody bothers me, good or bad

Nobody tells me how to live my life

Nobody cares enough to put me down

Nobody tells me who I am, because

Nobody knows my name.

Being alone is safe.

It’s not about “what if they don’t like me?”

The scarier thought:

“What if they like me?”

Who the fuck am I if someone

likes or, goddess forbid, loves me??

What right do I have to be loved??

… … a human one, says a little voice

But if they can love me,

Doesn’t that make my whole life a lie?

Doesn’t that mean that nobody bothered to care?

What did I change that allows them to care now? Is it real? 

Is it okay for them to love me?

Are they damaged, is that why??

Must one be damaged to love me? Is that a requirement? 

This just doesn’t make sense!

Just leave me be! Alone! 

No, don’t look at me! 

Don’t look at me.

If you look at me, you will see me.

Do not watch me grow.

Do not mark my quirks.

Do not listen when I speak or when I am quiet.

Sure as hell don’t touch me.

Don’t touch me with those big hands.

Don’t caress my neck with your soft lips and manly stubble. 

Don’t wrap me up in your unholy warmth. 

Don’t touch my soul with your strange entity called love.

Do not teach me to yearn for something intangible.

Do not make me yearn for that sweet touch that only you do.

Do not tame me, like the Little Prince’s fox, 

What will I do when you leave?

What would I do if you stayed??

How would I get through life having felt these feelings so deeply?

If I let you in, how can I let you out??

I think it would be best if you left me alone…

… but you won’t… <sigh>