Lost key

The cycle. 
The vicious, grueling cycle.
It has come to claim me again. 
What do I do with it? 
How do I break it? 
Should I break it?
It comes like a thief in the night, 
It brings out my fears and doubts 
______________the old ones I’ve put to rest.
His exquisite pain helps to clear our mind,
But to find S_____a so angry.
At our center, a crushing force,
That brutal wall of angry armoured dragon. 
~~~
I am ashamed 
I am afraid 
I don’t know how not to be alone. 
Alone is solace, 
______________________ isn’t it?? 
It frightens me so much 
to be that . . . Adult? 
How do I even start? 
Starting makes me want to hide. 
I do hide — all day in my books. 
I’m so tired I couldn’t possibly function properly 
This is sabotage. 
  • Yeah, but what will you do about it?
  • Probably just pout and mope.
All you can do is sleep and hope 
You have time in the morning 
________________ but we never do.
~~~ 
Why am I so afraid of myself?? 
Can one really be afraid of oneself?? 
How do I unlock that girl I met, 
a few months back? 
That girl I was, she was fearless. 
Where did I drop that key?? 
~~~
~Tora ❤

Why is it morning??

Are these feelings really all mine??

That seems to be this morning’s thought, after a fantastic weekend. I socialized, I wrestled, I tied, I spanked, I lifted the bunny, I giggled, I snuggled, I tickled to death, I ate well. But after I left, dropping the bunny at her home, and I came home to a quiet house, I was relieved. Then I got a headache. So I drank a big glass of water, ate some cookies, put quiet music on, and left the dog outside. I wanted to write, but my phone was so distracting, and I finally just settled for reading. Crown of Midnight, by Sarah J Maas, a kick-ass assassin woman with a conscience who is running so hard from a past she doesn’t want to remember. Huh, I wonder why I relate to that. The whole ‘why me? I’m not a hero’ vibe. (My brain is playing I Need A Hero from Shrek 2.) There is nothing scarier than being responsible, like what was I thinking when I said I wanted to bring two brats into the local scene?? And top it all off, they both like me. How did that happen? No, don’t get attached girls, I’m not interested in keeping you or dammit, dragon, you can’t claim them! Then we can’t ever give them away! That’s the plan, help them grow into horrible monster and princess brats, then give them to someone(s) else to keep forever. Or whatever… At 25, I am not a responsible adult. I generally spend more money than I make, and have no idea how I am still alive at this point. I also live with mom. I want a Dom more than they do. I like being the one who eventually loses the wrestle fight, I like trying to figure out what my Dom is going to do next or not do. I had more fun being pinned down last night than I did pinning the bunny down, though, that might also be for lack of a challenge. *sigh*

 

Non sequitur:

The problem with mainstream BDSM is that, one never sees the inner thoughts of Doms, and the subs just go ‘that was amazing’ or ‘rape!’ or ‘consent violation!’ But we’re just normal people who can leave our cares at the door and take on these roles of Domly Dom-ness and take this wee sub on a journey to a place that is just magic. A place where everything is right in the world. Subspace. In subspace, every little care one’s brain obsesses over is put away, and one just floats and flies away from all things. Granted, sometimes one goes down in subspace, but sometimes one must go back to go forward.

 

But that’s all my brain is capable of right now, so I’ll be back later…. After I somehow manage to make it through work. Side note, my legs were shaking on the trip down the stairs to the kitchen. This is going to be fun… *rolls eyes*

❤ Tora