I think it would be best if you left me alone…

I like being alone

I understand the world when I’m alone

The world makes sense when I am alone.

Nobody bothers me, good or bad

Nobody tells me how to live my life

Nobody cares enough to put me down

Nobody tells me who I am, because

Nobody knows my name.

Being alone is safe.

It’s not about “what if they don’t like me?”

The scarier thought:

“What if they like me?”

Who the fuck am I if someone

likes or, goddess forbid, loves me??

What right do I have to be loved??

… … a human one, says a little voice

But if they can love me,

Doesn’t that make my whole life a lie?

Doesn’t that mean that nobody bothered to care?

What did I change that allows them to care now? Is it real? 

Is it okay for them to love me?

Are they damaged, is that why??

Must one be damaged to love me? Is that a requirement? 

This just doesn’t make sense!

Just leave me be! Alone! 

No, don’t look at me! 

Don’t look at me.

If you look at me, you will see me.

Do not watch me grow.

Do not mark my quirks.

Do not listen when I speak or when I am quiet.

Sure as hell don’t touch me.

Don’t touch me with those big hands.

Don’t caress my neck with your soft lips and manly stubble. 

Don’t wrap me up in your unholy warmth. 

Don’t touch my soul with your strange entity called love.

Do not teach me to yearn for something intangible.

Do not make me yearn for that sweet touch that only you do.

Do not tame me, like the Little Prince’s fox, 

What will I do when you leave?

What would I do if you stayed??

How would I get through life having felt these feelings so deeply?

If I let you in, how can I let you out??

I think it would be best if you left me alone…

… but you won’t… <sigh>

Is family a phase?

Phase

Family. Why isn’t this a phase??

My family, on all sides, has always preached that family is one of the most important things in life. ….. But now that I live closer to most of them, none of them really talk to me, and never for great length. Part of that might be me, I’m not big on calling people, but the phone goes two ways. My family errs on the side of slightly toxic, all four sides are part of the abuse cycle. Most of the adults of my mother’s generation are not abusive, but my grandparents are a different story. So, I tend to enjoy the radio silence, the occasional birthday/Christmas card, until, heaven forbid, there are family get-togethers.

The example my brain is replaying is my birthday last year. I had made plans with my sisters to go to the beach on my birthday two months before, and I was so excited to go! I love the beach! I wanted to drink and eat with my sisters and have a fantabulous time! Then a few days before that weekend, my uncle txts me, asking if I was going to my cousin’s graduation party on the same day as my beach day. When I finally got all the information about the party, I informed my uncle I had other plans that day. He essentially told me ‘what is more important than spending time with [my] family?’ I informed him that I was spending time with my family, and I had been looking forward to my beach plans for weeks. But the way he was going on, at least from my perception, my sisters didn’t count since they aren’t a part of that side of my family. As many times as my sisters have fought for me and defended me, I expect them to be acknowledged as my family. Maybe I’m just mad that they aren’t acknowledged by the paternal side of my family either.

It really pissed me off that he expected me to drop all my plans, like I was just some kid with no obligations, just because there was a family gathering! One that I was never aware of until he started yelling at me about it. Am I really expected to Neville Longbottom my way into adulthood to these people?? Does this just happen to me or do other 25 year olds have to do this, too?? Is this just a phase??

 

This is in part a reaction to reading a friend’s moving post about her own toxic family, but at what point is it okay for family to tell me who my family is?? I don’t have time for other people to tell me how I’m supposed to love, my heart has his own opinion. I do not require my family’s opinion on my life, maybe I have exited the family phase and they didn’t get the memo. But I’m making my own family, and most of these amazing folks are not blood related.

Because blood does not guarantee love. Blood is just a phase.

Why is it morning??

Are these feelings really all mine??

That seems to be this morning’s thought, after a fantastic weekend. I socialized, I wrestled, I tied, I spanked, I lifted the bunny, I giggled, I snuggled, I tickled to death, I ate well. But after I left, dropping the bunny at her home, and I came home to a quiet house, I was relieved. Then I got a headache. So I drank a big glass of water, ate some cookies, put quiet music on, and left the dog outside. I wanted to write, but my phone was so distracting, and I finally just settled for reading. Crown of Midnight, by Sarah J Maas, a kick-ass assassin woman with a conscience who is running so hard from a past she doesn’t want to remember. Huh, I wonder why I relate to that. The whole ‘why me? I’m not a hero’ vibe. (My brain is playing I Need A Hero from Shrek 2.) There is nothing scarier than being responsible, like what was I thinking when I said I wanted to bring two brats into the local scene?? And top it all off, they both like me. How did that happen? No, don’t get attached girls, I’m not interested in keeping you or dammit, dragon, you can’t claim them! Then we can’t ever give them away! That’s the plan, help them grow into horrible monster and princess brats, then give them to someone(s) else to keep forever. Or whatever… At 25, I am not a responsible adult. I generally spend more money than I make, and have no idea how I am still alive at this point. I also live with mom. I want a Dom more than they do. I like being the one who eventually loses the wrestle fight, I like trying to figure out what my Dom is going to do next or not do. I had more fun being pinned down last night than I did pinning the bunny down, though, that might also be for lack of a challenge. *sigh*

 

Non sequitur:

The problem with mainstream BDSM is that, one never sees the inner thoughts of Doms, and the subs just go ‘that was amazing’ or ‘rape!’ or ‘consent violation!’ But we’re just normal people who can leave our cares at the door and take on these roles of Domly Dom-ness and take this wee sub on a journey to a place that is just magic. A place where everything is right in the world. Subspace. In subspace, every little care one’s brain obsesses over is put away, and one just floats and flies away from all things. Granted, sometimes one goes down in subspace, but sometimes one must go back to go forward.

 

But that’s all my brain is capable of right now, so I’ll be back later…. After I somehow manage to make it through work. Side note, my legs were shaking on the trip down the stairs to the kitchen. This is going to be fun… *rolls eyes*

❤ Tora