I like being alone
I understand the world when I’m alone
The world makes sense when I am alone.
Nobody bothers me, good or bad
Nobody tells me how to live my life
Nobody cares enough to put me down
Nobody tells me who I am, because
Nobody knows my name.
Being alone is safe.
It’s not about “what if they don’t like me?”
The scarier thought:
“What if they like me?”
Who the fuck am I if someone
likes or, goddess forbid, loves me??
What right do I have to be loved??
… … a human one, says a little voice
But if they can love me,
Doesn’t that make my whole life a lie?
Doesn’t that mean that nobody bothered to care?
What did I change that allows them to care now? Is it real?
Is it okay for them to love me?
Are they damaged, is that why??
Must one be damaged to love me? Is that a requirement?
This just doesn’t make sense!
Just leave me be! Alone!
No, don’t look at me!
Don’t look at me.
If you look at me, you will see me.
Do not watch me grow.
Do not mark my quirks.
Do not listen when I speak or when I am quiet.
Sure as hell don’t touch me.
Don’t touch me with those big hands.
Don’t caress my neck with your soft lips and manly stubble.
Don’t wrap me up in your unholy warmth.
Don’t touch my soul with your strange entity called love.
Do not teach me to yearn for something intangible.
Do not make me yearn for that sweet touch that only you do.
Do not tame me, like the Little Prince’s fox,
What will I do when you leave?
What would I do if you stayed??
How would I get through life having felt these feelings so deeply?
If I let you in, how can I let you out??
I think it would be best if you left me alone…
… … but you won’t… <sigh>